The United Airlines pre-flight safety speech explains their behavior lately

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United Airlines is not having a good month. Exhibit A . Exhibit B . We’re here to help with a customized pre-takeoff safe discussion. You’re welcome, big airline operators .

Welcome! We’re evoked to have you aboard this United Airlines flight and we increase your attention as we illustrate the security the specific characteristics of this aircraft.

FAA regulations require you to follow the instructions of our crew members as well as those of the heavily forearmed paramilitary crew in the back of the aircraft. You must also comply with all affixed and ignited signs.

It’s important to have your seatbelt on at all times. To lodge your seatbelt, propagandize the metal portion into the fasten and pull on the slack to tighten. As you lodge your seatbelt, delight scream the following words: I AM AT THE MERCY OF THE ALMIGHTY UNITED AIRLINES. FOR AS LONG AS I AM ON THIS PLANE, UNITED IS MY GOD. LEGGINGS ARE GROSS.

Say hello to your brand-new deities: Bruce and Kyle. They require a sacrifice to vary the gate.

Image: Getty Images

In case of sudden unrest, delight keep your seatbelt lodged even when the mansion is off. Should a member of our flight crew unfasten your seatbelt and begin to strangle you with it in front of your lad, do not repel. Countenance that this is all part of the piloting knowledge, for which you paid between $100 and $550.

Should a member of our flight crew unfasten your seatbelt and begin to strangle you with it in front of your lad, do not resist.

Please take a moment to look around and familiarize yourself with the aircraft. Find your nearest exit and remember that it may be behind you. Glance at the exit for a very long time. Fantasize about what that doorway intends think about how fast it would be for us to open that bad son up and toss you right out of this plane whenever we want. Make eye contact with one of the mercenaries in rampage gear we have onboard to keep you in line. Do not smile at him. Just look. That is who will hurl you out of the plane.

In the event of a sea ground, crew members will choose who lives and dies based on how much we like your outfit. Today we are appearing cardigans. Anyone wearing cargo shorts is likely to be tasered on sight.

The inflight movie today is security camera footage of your extended family, who we have kidnapped and WILL injure should be used not follow airliner law.

Image: Getty Images

If you are seated in an exit row, you have made a grave mistake. You now work for us and you will live on this plane. Travel to the breast of the aircraft and assert your expletive to adhere and obligation airliner law.

If necessary due to a change in hut pressure, an oxygen concealment will slip from the panel above your tush. Sit the mask over your nose and mouth disease and breathe normally. Some of the disguises are filled with a nerve agent that will turn you into what we call a “plane beast” hulking, violent monsters who live in the cargo inlet and follow only the line-ups of our chieftain. Today our chieftain is Bruce: may his predominate last-place one million afterlives. Remember to fix your own concealment before curing others.

Should you need it, you’ll find a life vest under your tush. To use, locate the vest over your brain and pull on the blood-red tabs. A contract will be issued on your screen. Sign this contract. In short, it commits us your room. We can do your room a runway now. In actuality, we already have. We’ll be property on your house today.

Make sure you’ve swopped all electronic machines to airplane procedure. If you don’t, we will do you eat the device. I made a guy eat a laptop earlier today. It was gross.

We’ll be taking off soon. Sit up directly and shut your mouth. Stop crying. Good.

From all of us here at United, we are only “re saying” we don’t am worried about you at all and we think you gaze stupid in that outfit.

Oh, likewise, you are able to vape on here. We don’t care.

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